Understanding Love
by sleeping-dragon96
Summary: Lily Evans and how she came to believe in love


_Initially posted on my tumblr 'sleeping-dragon'_

_Hope everyone enjoys :) [first time posting on ff so hopefully this works]_

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Lily Evans did not believe in love.

Davey Gudgeon said he loved his girlfriend who went to Beauxbatons. They only saw each other during holidays, but they wrote constantly and Davey would talk about her whenever the opportunity arose. Davey was known to steer the conversation in such a way that he could talk about her. Davey Gudgeon said he loved his girlfriend, who was 'the one' and after graduation they would be married. He told Lily all this just minutes before he pressed himself against her on the common room lounge. As Lily kissed him back, she tried to understand how you could love someone but still want to actively seek comfort in others.

Dorcas Meadowes claimed she was in love with her boyfriend who was in the year above them. Between classes they would slip away down deserted hallways and everyone knew that unless you wanted to be scarred for life you would avoid said hallways at all costs. During dinners they would sit next to each other and lean together in hushed voices, giggling and smiling like no one else was around. Sometimes, late at night, Dorcas would tiptoe back into their dorm. Sometimes Lily would hear her crying herself to sleep. Dorcas slowly began to wear scarves and jumpers as the weather got warmer and their relationship became more intense. The bruises weren't ones of love and yet Dorcas still claimed to be in love. Lily didn't understand how you could love someone and want to hurt them so bad to leave permanent scars. She didn't understand how you could love someone who made you cry more than they made you smile.

Mrs. Evans declared her love for her boss over dinner one night. Her husband had already left, already knowing that her love was no longer directed at him. Mrs. Evans would stay up late on the phone, even though she had just spent the whole day with her boss. Mrs. Evans would bring him home for dinners every now and then, forcing her two daughters to get to know him. Lily didn't understand how you could love a man, like her father, for so many years and then so easily change your mind. Lily didn't understand how you could fall out of love for man who was sweet and hardworking to falling into love with someone who was harsh and spoilt.

Lily Evans didn't believe in love.

Lily Evans was a popular girl, she was well aware of that fact. She went through boys quickly but quietly, never anything serious enough that people talked too much but nothing anything too casual that people judged her. She was a hardworking student, a friendly person and could also make any situation hilarious. People liked Lily Evans.

And yet, every boy Lily found herself with she couldn't help but worry. There was no spark, nothing that caused her blood to boil inside of her like books said, her mind didn't go blank like she kept continuously expecting it to when you kissed a good looking boy. Each time she found herself either only finding it fun or sometimes even boring; each time she wondered what was wrong with her.

Remus Lupin sat in silence when she finally admitted that she felt nothing at all when kissing a cute boy; shouldn't you feel something? He suggested kissing girls. She considered it and even though it was an interesting concept, she could tell that wasn't it.

Lily knew she could feel that way. She had felt it on rare occasions. Like when Severus had hugged her so tight when her father left, she felt like everything inside of her was complete. It hadn't been a hug of romance but in that small moment, Lily wondered if that was what love felt like.

When she first kissed a boy, she had felt those butterflies the movies always claimed existed. James Potter had been her secret crush since second year and when in third year she was dared to kiss him; it had been everything she had wanted. Those butterflies she had all those years ago, gave her hope that the next boy she kissed would bring them back.

Severus never gave her butterflies and although there were days when she missed his hugs, she had already accepted that wasn't love.

So while she hoped loved existed, she still didn't believe in it.

Then seventh year happened. Lily Evans was partnered up with James Potter to be heads of the school. Being in close proximity to him would set her on edge, she could feel every air particle that separated them, she could sense when he was about to move slightly whether to run a hand through his hair or to cross his arms over his chest. When they would sit together in their own personal common room, she would laugh so hard her stomach hurt even though the joke itself wasn't that funny. In class, sometimes James would turn around and give her a smile that made her heart thump loudly. There had been a few occasions after that smile, a smile reserved just for her, that she had checked her blood pressure to make sure everything was okay.

After a while, somehow their hands would find each other while walking from class to class. Sometimes, Lily would find herself leaning against him during breakfast. Occasionally, James would hug her from behind while she was in a conversation with someone else and instead of throwing him off like she would've done in the past; she would lean back and place her arms over his. During Quidditch, whenever Gryffindor scored a point, James would fly straight to Lily just for a high five.

Slowly Lily began to believe in love.

Love wasn't something you messed around with. You didn't fool around with a stranger when you loved another. Harming someone couldn't be excused with "loving them too much". You couldn't just fall out of love so easily for no reason.

Lily Evans was pretty sure she knew what love was. Love was in James' eyes when he shook his head after she told a horrible joke. Love was looking at James from a distance and knowing everything was okay. Love was when James tightened Lily's scarf to protect her from the harsh, cold winds. Love was when James gave Lily his coat even though he was equally as cold as her. Love was when Lily convinced him to share the coat, awkwardly fumbling around trying to fit the two of them at once. Love was when James finally got the courage to ask Lily out. Love was what Lily felt at night when James was wrapped around her and giving her butterflies that seemed to never die.

Love was simply James.

And that was something Lily could believe in.


End file.
